Letter to Friends

Paul

Minnesota/USA
December 10, 2008

I was inspired to send the following message to my family and friends. I was really surprised by the response - overwhelmingly supportive (some of the responses are posted below the letter). Feel free to use any or all of this letter to help champion the cause for marriage equality.

Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 2008 9:12 PM
Subject: Live in Peace

Hello All,

Today is a momentous day. It commemorates two significant social justice issues: International Human Rights Day and Day Without a Gay. International Human Rights Day was established 60 years ago by the United Nations and is celebrated to promote the universal human right: to live and to do so peacefully. Day Without a Gay is a not-too-structured grassweb effort for gay rights and marriage equality - specifically in response to the passing of Proposition 8 in California (which stripped same-sex couples the right to marry in California). Both of these issues are near and dear to my heart - both are the embodiment of my personal goal to treat others as and be treated as equals.

So why am I writing you? Well, as my friends and family, we have supported each other in this world. We have lived together in peace (relatively ;-). With the issue of marriage equality continuing to percolate throughout the country, I thought it important to share my experience so you have a firsthand account of why it is important to me - and you as my support network.

Here are some concrete examples.

As you know, Peter and I have been together for over 22 years. We have drawn up all conceivable legal documents to define our relationship: Power of Attorney Health Care Declaration, Will, Partnership Agreement and endless Beneficiary Designations. All of these documents are necessary for us to "prove" our relationship.

Just recently, Peter added me to his health care benefits at his work (thank you, Peter's employer!). While we are delighted to have Domestic Partner benefits, did you know we had to supply a notarized affidavit stating we were in a committed relationship? Did you know we had to provide copies of our drivers licenses to prove we lived together and copies of our mortgage documents to prove we were financially responsible for each other? To all of the married people on this list, when you last applied for benefits, did you have to jump through such hoops to designate your spouse? I donâ€™t think so. In fact, I doubt that you even had to provide a Marriage certificate.

As a result of adding me to his benefits, Peter now has "imputed income" added to his taxable income for the value of my coverage. This results in additional tax taken from his paycheck. Married employees with equivalent coverage for their spouses do not have this imputed income issue.

Also recently, I gratefully accepted his offer to use a domestic partner retirement flight pass benefit so I could quickly get to Arizona to address my father's recent health issue. In this situation, Peter will also have imputed income added to his taxable income for the value of the pass benefit. Married retirees do not have this imputed income issue.

Consider this. Should Peter die before me, I do not have the ability to collect Social Security survivor benefits based upon our mutual earning years. If he were to be hospitalized and I did not have a copy of our Power of Attorney Health Care Directives on my person (say we were on a trip somewhere), I would not have the right to see him in the hospital. In all, the General Accounting Office has identified 1100 legal benefits of marriage which we are not able to participate in. Even with all our legal documentation. Read the list here: http://www.gao.gov/archive/1997/og97016.pdf

I cannot help to point out the obvious: domestic partner benefits are great - and a welcome step in the right direction - but they are not equal to marriage benefits.

So I ask you on this day of commemorating the human right to live and live in peace to support marriage equality. This is not a request for religious sanctioning of same-sex marriage. That is an entirely different issue and solely based upon the religious convictions of your own. What I am asking you to support is civil marriage equality.

How do you do this? You are already doing so by honoring Peter and I. You can help in other ways as well:

Help educate those who would bring up marriage equality in disparaging ways. Let them know your loved one is harmed without it.
While voting, consider a candidateâ€™s views of marriage equality in your voting criteria (I know we just had an election - I'm talking about next time and the time after that)
In employment situations, support your company if they are offering domestic partner benefits - help them realize marriage equality may actually reduce their bottom line by not having to have "separate but equal" treatment of benefits.
Be aware of subtle discrimination, be it off-color jokes or off-handed comments.

If you have read this far, thank you. I know this is unlike me to throw such a controversial topic in your face. I also know you may not agree with me on this subject. If that is the case, please consider discussing it with me. I am happy to hear your perspective and respect you enough to hear it. Perhaps together we can find ways to better understand each other. After all, that is what it is like to live and live in peace.
Namaste.
Paul

Here are some of the responses to this letter so far:

Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 2008 9:12 PM
Subject: Re: Live in Peace

Thanks Paul for this wonderful and informative email. It gives me alot more information to work with when discussing marriage and partnership issues. I will try to learn more of this language and be a better communicator.

Love,
BIll
________________
Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 2008 11:18 PM
Subject: Re: Live in Peace

Paul...I am in complete agreement with you. I have and I will again make a donation to the HRC.
I was devastated when CA passed Prop 8 ..it was a huge cloud over what was otherwise a wonderful election outcome. Thank you for sharing your story and I will continue to make this "my" issue as well...until the day that everyone has the right to be treated as equals..including giving everyone the right to marry.
Love,
Kate
_________________
Subject: Live in peace
Date: Thu, 11 Dec 2008 14:39:41 +0000

Hiya, Paul.

Thanks v much for sending me your e-mail, which spelled out the inequality issue in a very thoughtful, clear way. It's distressing to think that you and Peter aren't entitled to the legal and societal things that conventional married couples take for granted. I totally agree with your point-of-view, and I find it hard to understand why states are so slow to recognize marriage equality when most lawmakers today have a relative, friend or coworker who is gay.

All the best to you and Peter.

chrs
julie
_____________________
Sent: Thursday, December 11, 2008 8:43 AM
Subject: Re: Live in Peace

Beautiful my dear, dear Paul! So well written and well thought out. I'm on board and not just in spirit. I WILL write to whoever I can - not just in MN but in other states as well. Once I get a letter put together I can carbon copy it and just replace the information pertinent to each state. I'll send you a copy. It may be after the holidays. Thank you for taking the time to educate all of us. No - I had no idea that you had to jump through so many hoops to define yourself (and ultimately receive an extra tax) on being domestic partners. Yes it's a step in the right direction but now's not the time to let things lie - the best and frankly - easiest - time to keep pushing is when things have momentum in the right direction. It's those who break unfamiliar ground that do the major sweating and crying. At this point - we all need to push hard to honor the work of those who have gone before and to recognize everyone in an equal manner.
Love you lots!
Tanya
______________________
Sent: Thursday, December 11, 2008 11:50 AM
Subject: RE: Live in Peace

Very Nice Paul.

With your permission I'd like to share this with some family and friends.

I think you've ever so gently driven the point home.

Hope all is well and I wish you both a wonderful New Year!

Peace,
Kath
___________________
Sent: Thursday, December 11, 2008 12:49 PM
Subject: Re: Live in Peace

Hi, Paul,

Go, Paul, go! I'm happy for you to have written and sent this out to me and others. With your permission, I'd like to share it with others -- including our church community. It's pretty active re: gay/lesbian issues, have had pastors who are out, weddings officiated there, etc.

Love to you and Peter,
Lisa
__________________
Sent: Thursday, December 11, 2008 2:54 PM
Subject: Re: Live in Peace

I love you!!!!! I could not agree with you more. Miss you much.

Friend always,
Jenn
_________________
Sent: Thursday, December 11, 2008 6:54 PM
Subject: RE: Live in Peace

Paul,
Thank you for educating us. I was familiar with some of these issues but I've never heard the work "imputed" in my life. Given the opportunity to support equal rights initiatives by voting or other means I will. You and Peter are role models for all couples, hetero or gay.
Thanks again.
Love, Jeanne
__________________
Sent: Thursday, December 11, 2008 9:58 PM
Subject: Re: Live in Peace

Now you're talkin' baby!!!

Gay Rights Are Civil Rights and Civil Rights Are HUMAN RIGHTS.

Don't even get me started about THE IRONY of how that SHAMEFUL proposition passed in my home state.That people should throng to the polls to fulfill a dream while denying you yours is a form of blinkered hypocrisy I can only begin to fathom.

IMHO, Gay Marriage is the Civil Rights Issue of our time, period. That some wish to see it otherwise makes me want to bash them in the face...which isn't very Christian of me, but there you have it.

That's why there's people like you who have a much more reasoned approach!!!

Merry Christmas to You My Princes of Minnesota!!!

xoxoxoMa
________________
Sent: Friday, December 12, 2008 10:54 PM
Subject: Re: Live in Peace

THIS IS SO WHY I AM CRAZY IN LOVE WITH YOU 2 GENTS !!! WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER,
WE SHOULD ALL BE TOGETHER IN PEACE AND HARMONY... xoxo Pamela
______________
Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 2008 5:31 PM
Subject: RE: Live in Peace

Paul,

Thanks for the e-mail. It was very informative, thoughtful and well written.

Steve
_______________________
Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 2008 5:35 PM
Subject: Re: Live in Peace

Paul:

I'm printing this out to take home with me as I'm leaving the office. (I did come in today.) I can read it more thoroughly tomorrow while I'm home.

I wonder if all the friends of Dorothy here at the Institute and all honored Day without a Gay it might have been easier to just close for the day. :-) Maybe not a good idea in this economic climate. We might be forced to do it later on. (Fingers crossed that won't happen.)

Not to lessen the point of DwaG.

Joint's closing and I need to get to rehearsal. You and Peter have a good one!

Neil
________________________
Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 2008 6:06 PM
Subject: Re: Live in Peace

Here Here, Baby!

Love Forever-
Julie

Story TimeHow To PostThis is the step-by-step process regarding how to post your story on facesinequality.org.Separation in Sacramentomy story has a unique 'twist' on the differences between Domestic Partnership and Marriage divorces.Contractual RightWhat happens when a union contract points out unequal treatment of spousal rights? Not much when Domestic Partnerships are treated as unequal to marriage.Get To Know Us FirstThis website is full of affirming images of real couples fighting for marriage equality by appearing in public service announcement commercials.Letter to FriendsI was inspired to send the following message to my family and friends. I was really surprised by the response - overwhelmingly supportive. Feel free to use any or all of this letter to help champion the cause for marriage equality.Jose and Ed WeddingOverjoyed with our decision! We wanted to share our wedding photo album.Freedom to Marry RallyToday was the Minnesota Freedom to Marry Day Rally held at the Minnesota Sate Capital Rotunda. It was a great venue for a lively crowd with 3 levels of participants. Despite some dissidents (more on that later) it was truly a rallying cry to get involved and get marriage equality in front of the state's legislators.Fidelity - The VideoJust got this fantastic email from Courage California and wanted to share it with everyone. Here's the video referenced in the email: Fidelity - click to view it.The Price of Inequality--Nine Thousand DollarsMy name is Shannon Drury, President of the Minnesota chapter of the National Organization for Women (www.mnnow.org). Support for GLBT civil rights is one of our core values, and has been since our inception forty years ago. What follows below is the text of a action alert on this subject that was sent to our members, and that I read aloud at the Marriage Equality Rally at the Minnesota State Capitol on February 12, 2009.Protect Marriage MessageI recently came across a blog about protecting marriage (as in keeping it's definition as between a man and a woman) and, could only post a comment if I am for the passing of Prop 8, ...so I wanted to make an argument that aims to expose how completely asinine their argument is.Equality at the OscarsDustin Lance Black's acceptance speech brought several people to tears with its emotional reminder of Harvey Milk's legacy. See the video here.Sean PennPenn's Oscar acceptance speech was an amazing piece of support for marriage equality.Ignorance Alive and WellA friend of mine received a message from someone providing proof that ignorance is alive and well despite many years of research and education. Her response is a profound message of support and love from our straight allied community. It is well worth the read.Whats At StakeThis video was created by activists at the Sacramento Lobby Day and Rally. Capture the spirit of the LGBT Movement and learn how all our rights are under attack.Dan White HeroEquality California recently sent out an email including a "kick-in-the-gut" poster held at a rally outside the California Supreme Court March 5, 2009 with the message "Dan White: Hero, Killing a Queer"Judge Judy Prop 8 ViewsIn a recent Larry King Live interview, Judge Judy Sheindlin provided her insight to the marriage equality/Prop 8 debate.Utah State Senator Chris ButtarsIn yet another outrageous example of cold intolerance from the "the Greatest Snow on Earth" state - Utah - State Senator Chris Buttars verbalized his amazing views of the GLBTQ community, during an interview for a yet-to-be-released documentary by filmmaker Reed Cowen.5 Reasons to Fight for Marriage EqualityNeed some pro-marriage equality arguments for that next battle of wits? Here's some ammo.Minnesota Marriage and Family Protection ActDoug Benson sent out a statement from the Senate author of the legislation (Minnesota Marriage and Family Protection Act). Doug actually wrote the guts of the legislation and has spent time at the capitol during every legislative session to lobby for support of marriage equality. Statement by Senator John Marty on impact of Iowa and Vermont for Minnesota marriage equality.A Conservative Argument for Marriage EqualitySteve Schmidt, one of John McCain’s presidential campaign advisors, has compiled his argument supporting marriage equality using conservative values for a speech scheduled to be given to the Log Cabin Republicans.Miss California and Marriage EqualityMiss California, Carrie Prejean gave a stunningly incoherent response to Perez Hilton's question: Should more states legalize same-sex marriage? Sadly, she's since made it clear she's against it. Boy Hangs Self Following Gay TauntsMy heart goes out to Jaheem's parents and family. They have lost the promise of a first born child and the promise that in America equality reigns in the land - cause frankly, folks, as long as intolerance is taught and practiced, there ain't no equality.How to get married in IowaBeginning April 27, 2009 you can get married to your same-sex partner in Iowa. Here's how it works.Seeking CA Married CouplesFear-spinning NOM Exposed Fear-Spinning at its Finest MSNBC's David Shuster's interview of NOM's Brian Brown. What can I say? It makes the National Organization for Marriage (NOM) look deceptive and manipulative. If it looks like a duck....Maine Legalizes Marriage EqualityMaine joined the ranks of fair-mindedness by legislatively approving marriage equality. This is a great day in America!Be Visible Get SupportRecent Poll Shows Increased Visibility Affects Marriage Equality Support. 49% of those questioned say they have a family member or close friend who is gay. That's up 8 points from 1998 and 17 points from 1992. 58% of those aged 18 to 34 say they have a family member or close friend who's gay. Dear Minnesota QueersThis satirical letter sums up the dismay the GLBT community is feeling over Minnesota's Legislator's failure to address Marriage Equality this legislative session.Why can’t you be happy with domestic partner benefits?One of the biggest misconceptions regarding marriage equality is that domestic partner benefits provide equal treatment. This is just plan false.Ironic Commentary - Lets end disposable marriageMarriage equality supporters are not looking to do anything but strengthen the institution of marriage by increasing the number of people eligible to participate in this basic American right. Love is love, kids.Go Mass Marriage Equality and States RightsThe Commonwealth of Massachusetts has sued the federal government over DOMA - the Defense of Marriage Act of 1996. While this suit follows 2 others coming from Massachusetts, it provides a unique - and previously unused - argument: State's RightsTeaching Hate - Shaming Does Not WorkA high school junior was subjected to gay slurs from his teachers resulting in the boy changing schools and his family getting cash settlement from the school district. My immediate reaction was to contact these two teachers (Diane Cleveland and Walter Filson) or their employer (Anoka-Hennepin School District) to express my outrage. After fuming about it I realized there is a better way to address this; a path Ms Cleveland and Mr. Filson should have taken before addressing this boy as alleged. Use the opportunity as a good old teachable moment.Gay Slur Harassing Teachers Should Be Kicked OutIn a follow-up to my last post (Teaching Hate: Shaming Doesn't Work), the target of 2 Minnesota teachers' gay slur harassment has been identified as Alex Merritt, 18. As Mr. Merritt explains, the nightmare Diane Cleveland and Walter Filson put him through makes the settlement his family received a drop in the bucket for the pain and suffering he experienced. As quoted in a StarTribune.com article: "Sorry doesn't cut it," Merritt said. "The teachers should be kicked out."Fall Out Continues For Gay Slur Harassing TeachersDiane Cleveland, Walter Filson and the Anoka-Hennepin School District continue to receive scrutiny for their handling of a student harassment case. If you recall, Alex Merritt was subjected to taunts and harassment at the hands of teachers Cleveland and Filson because they believed Merritt was gay. Obviously, the spotlight on this case is increasing the discomfort level in Anoka. The Anoka-Hennepin School Board issued a letter to the community regarding the case basically saying they have done aMuch Ado About SomethingSome people in the blogsphere are complaining that this scrutiny is much ado about nothing. I couldn't disagree more. We must continue to speak out to further enlighten all educators and the general public that teaching hate is never acceptable - especially in the classroom. No student should have to endure the harassment Alex Merritt was given. Even though they were not the target, his fellow classmates should never have witnessed teachers harassing a student for perceived sexual orientation. We must remain vigilant and pour light upon the darkness of hate - wherever it is and in whatever form it takes. That us why this is much ado about something.Maine - the forgotten battleWith Election Day (November 3, 2009) just weeks away, it is vital that our focus remain on efforts to defeat marriage equality. Just this past May, Maine legislatively ended discrimination against same sex couples by legalizing marriage equality. The radical right has targeted Maine with a ballot initiative designed to strip the very right that was granted just months ago.Clinton Changes MindOf course we always want more, don't we. While support from a former president is wonderful - particularly a former president who admits changing his mind and then uses his own soapbox to proclaim it. What we really need is a sitting president to take up the mantle for equality and push it through. We can't wait for a repeat performance from Obama when he is out of office.I demand my rightsI demand my rights under the Constitution of the United States. I am not a second-class citizen.